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Username Post: Honoring Last Wishes?        (Topic#355635)
Chevrobert 
Valued Contributor
Posts: 3564

Loc: Braintree, Ma. USA
Reg: 06-14-08
03-15-19 09:14 PM - Post#2762191    

I hope it is okay.
I post this here because while you all know me
you really don't know me.
Plus I value the wide range of opinions here and hope to gain some guidance for your comments.
I plan on talking with a spiritual adviser
also.
Thank you all in advance for your comments.


If someone you love (Mother) was dying,
and they have said for as long as
everyone can remember,
that they wanted to be cremated,
with their ashes scattered at sea.
ALSO
Your loved one could no longer express their wishes because of Alzheimer or dementia
and has NEVER stated wishes to the contrary.
BUT
Another relative (sister) wanted your loved ones
ashes buried in their family plot
because that would make them feel better.

Would you honor your Mothers wishes
or comfort your sister?
I know this is a pretty heavy question.
Thanks again.
Bob

Bob
'64 Impala SS
'77 Pontiac Ventura SJ
'85 Lincoln Town Car
Ain't to proud to think out loud.


 




CowboyTrukr 
"8th Year" Silver Supporting Member
Posts: 4180
CowboyTrukr
Loc: Salt Lake City
Reg: 06-20-09
03-15-19 10:48 PM - Post#2762198    
    In response to Chevrobert

Bob, I’m sorry this is even a burden you’re dealing with. There are no easy answers, as you welll know.

Just thinking about how I would react, were I in your shoes, I’d have to honor Mom’s wishes. I know it’s often easier to appease the living, but you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. What makes your blood pressure settle to normal and allow you to drop your shoulders and breathe? I’d guess it’s knowing you gave Mom what she wanted.

Without getting too deep in the weeds, ask yourself, “Why is Sister Sally (not likely her real name, of course), so set on appeasing her own guilt? Or is it guilt?

The bottom line for me: I would do what Mom asked.

Greg

'95 K1500 Z71 EC Short Step 5.7L+0.040/NV3500
'00 Explorer XLT 4.0 V6 Auto
'94 K2500 5.7 NV4500 ECLB - SOLD
‘87 GMC S15 SCLB 4.3 Auto - SOLD

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Sir Edmund Burke


 
Mel Foye 
*VIP* Founding Member
Posts: 4661
Mel Foye
Reg: 09-29-00
03-16-19 12:41 AM - Post#2762200    
    In response to Chevrobert

I agree Bob that it is a heavy question but to me it is clear cut. I have an Advanced Directive as to what---- I WANT to happen to ---My Body--- when I am gone or unable to make sound decisions. Even without something in writing why should your Mom get less than what she wanted?
I can understand why knowing EXACTLY where her ashes are makes it easier on someone who wants to visit and/or not completely let go just yet vs. her remains are somewhere in the ocean.
Maybe comfort your sister but follow your mom's plan. Take care. Mel



 
56sedandelivery 
Dedicated Member
Posts: 5577
56sedandelivery
Age: 67
Loc: Everett, Wa.
Reg: 02-26-08
03-16-19 02:59 AM - Post#2762203    
    In response to Mel Foye

I've heard of some people scattering ashes in multiple places; perhaps see if the sister would be OK with that. If not, then I'd go along with the sister; you're going to have to answer to her for the rest of YOUR lives. There's the service where they launch a small amount of cremains into space. I've lived within 2 miles of Puget Sound for most of my life, and see people scattering ashes there all the time; I never realized there were so many people with ties to the sea. The Washington State Ferry System will even honor that, IF arrangements are made beforehand, sort of a stop-and-toss, but I wonder how many people just toss them over from the car deck (probably how it gets done most of the time) on their own. I say appease the sister, or she'll never forgive you, but have her be responsible for whatever the funeral home charges.
I am Butch/56sedandelivery.




 
2blu52 
"18th Year" Silver Supporting Member
Posts: 18740
2blu52
Age: 85
Loc: Montana
Reg: 03-12-02
03-16-19 05:49 AM - Post#2762207    
    In response to Chevrobert

86 pushing 87, 3 heart attacks 3 cancers behind me so I think there may be a limit to my future. The point of that information is to prove there is a reason for a similar discussion around our house. The bride agrees that Cremation and burial of the Cremains at the local military cemetery should be MYchoice and not to be influenced by family intent on some personal feeling. The bride shares similar feelings. We had a family talk about this, may be too late with your Mom and family members but if every one knows her feelings then you should not be pressured to change what your Mom wants.

"PEACE IS THAT GLORIUS MOMENT IN HISTORY WHEN EVERY ONE STANDS AROUND RELOADING"

THOMAS JEFFERSON


 
TAT_2 
"18th Year" Silver Supporting Member, and Official CT Grim Reaper
Posts: 35656

Age: 65
Loc: "UNDER THE BOARDWALK"
Reg: 10-29-00
03-16-19 05:52 AM - Post#2762209    
    In response to Chevrobert

I WAS STILL IN GRADE SCHOOL,NATURALLY LIVING AT HOME & MY BROTHER GOT INTO A MOTOR CYCLE ACCIDENT. HE GOT MESSED UP PRETTY BAD. MY MOM TOLD ME TO NEVER GET 1 SO I NEVER DID.
STILL LIVING AT HOME I STARTED GETTING INKED UP.MY MOM TOLD ME NEVER GET A "MOM" TATTOO SO EVEN THO I WANTED TO I NEVER DID.
MY MOM WAS ON HOSPICE ALSO,FORTUNATELY SHE DIDN'T SUFFER TOO LONG,SO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.


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NEXT ?


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Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice


 
100 CHEVY 
Dedicated Member
Posts: 6439
100 CHEVY
Loc: Helena,Missippi,U.S.A.
Reg: 12-09-04
03-16-19 07:01 AM - Post#2762219    
    In response to Chevrobert

I would help you if I could,and I know what you're going thru!
Dealing with a similar problem myself.
We lost our youngest brother 2 weeks ago today.
I know what his last wishes are and am trying my best to honor them.
Getting my other 3 siblings to agree has been a real trial!
The fact that I'm financing the funeral arrangements is helping a lot.But,we're getting there.
I think that dividing your mothers ashes between both places may be the best decision for all,if everyone agrees.And,I don't think she would mind.
Mike.

"You gonna leave it like that?
http://www.picturetrail.com/100chevy


 
GregH 
Contributor
Posts: 161
GregH
Reg: 01-25-04
03-16-19 03:15 PM - Post#2762253    
    In response to 100 CHEVY

Split...Crematorium has some nice jewelry that would allow your sister to carry a small part with her with the bulk serving mom's final wishes...Just my input. When all is said and done, they live in your heart don't they?



 
tommy49 
"5th Year" Silver Supporting Member
Posts: 2541
tommy49
Loc: Kaleva, Michigan
Reg: 09-28-12
03-16-19 03:43 PM - Post#2762255    
    In response to Chevrobert

My mom suffered and died from ALS, but while she was still capable, she arranged her funeral, cremation, and to have her ashes shipped to southern Illinois for burial with her family. My dad's ashes are buried in the Michigan UP, where he was born. These were their wishes and honored. Your sister grieves and she doesn't know how or want to let go. I think GregH has the right idea about giving your sister something to hold on to. My final wishes are to be cremated, ashes to be disposed of, and no services, what so ever. If you didn't visit me when I was alive, why come when I'm dead?

Tommy

49 Deluxe Sport Coupe, 55 235, 700r4, Blazer rear axle, 4 wheel power disc brakes.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/tommyfortynine /album...




 
wagonman100 
Super Senior Member
Posts: 14170
wagonman100
Loc: Baltimore, MD
Reg: 11-27-04
03-17-19 08:30 PM - Post#2762331    
    In response to tommy49

I feel for you and what you are going through. My feeling is that you need to honor your mother’s wishes but be considerate of your sister’s feelings. I think you should split the ashes. Either do as suggested and have a piece of jewelry or whatever made so your sister can have something to hold onto, or a more substantial amount of ashes to bury if that is what she really wants and then spread the rest according to your mother’s wishes.

Jay
Friends don’t let friends drive Fords.

1999 Silverado Z71 4X4 extra-cab short bed
1983 Malibu Fauxmad - tubbed
1978 El Camino Kustomized
1972 Monte Carlo
1957 210 handyman wagon
1957 Nomad sport wagon
1957 Cameo Carrier


 
DonSSDD 
Silver Supporting Member
Posts: 7015
DonSSDD
Loc: Nova Scotia, Canada
Reg: 08-21-01
03-18-19 05:30 AM - Post#2762342    
    In response to wagonman100

I would agree with those who said to split the ashes to satisfy your sisters wishes and your mother’s wishes and would think your mother would agree if she were able to take part in these discussions.

My condolences for the loss of your mother, I visited my 88 year old mom in PEI this weekend past and am lucky to still have her and she is in relatively good health.

Don

63 Pontiac Parisienne Sport Coupe(CDN Chev mechanically (409, 4 speed),62 Bel Air SC (sold), 59 El Camino (sold), 62 Bel Air SC(sold), 63 SWC Vette (sold),
Member #2194


 
Chevrobert 
Valued Contributor
Posts: 3564

Loc: Braintree, Ma. USA
Reg: 06-14-08
03-18-19 07:23 PM - Post#2762425    
    In response to DonSSDD

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

Yes, I think Sister IS feeling guilty.
She has visited my Mother twice in 40 years. 2016 + 2018.
Ironically, that is the ONLY pro she has going for her.
I do not wish to cause my sister pain.
I am only considering the question because it might assuage some of hers.
But at what cost?
As I continue to visit my Mother,
I would feel terrible keeping such a secret from her.

After reading your replies I see an almost unanimous majority favor keeping with my Mother's wishes.
And as for the compromise of letting my sister take a portion of the ashes.

I offered her that option. She rejected it,
prompting me to post the topic here.

ALSO I neglected to say in my original post that my Mother made
and paid for these exact arrangements long ago when in good health.

While I personally would not have chosen these options
I do not feel it is my right to change them,
even if it made ME feel better.


Hopefully there is plenty of time before I make a decision.

I welcome any further comments pro or con.
Thank you all again.
Bob


Bob
'64 Impala SS
'77 Pontiac Ventura SJ
'85 Lincoln Town Car
Ain't to proud to think out loud.


 
CowboyTrukr 
"8th Year" Silver Supporting Member
Posts: 4180
CowboyTrukr
Loc: Salt Lake City
Reg: 06-20-09
03-18-19 09:39 PM - Post#2762436    
    In response to Chevrobert

Praying for you, Brother.

Greg

'95 K1500 Z71 EC Short Step 5.7L+0.040/NV3500
'00 Explorer XLT 4.0 V6 Auto
'94 K2500 5.7 NV4500 ECLB - SOLD
‘87 GMC S15 SCLB 4.3 Auto - SOLD

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Sir Edmund Burke


 
Mel Foye 
*VIP* Founding Member
Posts: 4661
Mel Foye
Reg: 09-29-00
03-19-19 12:11 AM - Post#2762444    
    In response to Chevrobert

From your first post what your mother wanted was her ashes in the ocean NOT some in the ocean and some over there.
Since an offer of some of the ashes has already been made to your sister and yes declined the line your mother drew in the sand is now gone. See that line was based on hope and trust that her wishes would be followed rather than the wishes of others would be more important and override.
I hope that in her remaining time her mind will have periods of calm and comfort.



 
Smitty_Chevy 
Frequent Contributor
Posts: 1095
Smitty_Chevy
Age: 69
Loc: Hampton, GA
Reg: 10-29-08
03-19-19 03:27 AM - Post#2762449    
    In response to Mel Foye

Our youngest daughter died 2 weeks ago. She requested before she died for her ashes to be scattered on her favorite place in the mountains in North Carolina.

We are having a family service in a park she used to like to go to at a lake near Knoxville, TN on April 06. Afterwards our grandsons will take her ashes to the place they used to go to in the mountains with their mother when they were little boys and spread her ashes. That's what she wanted and that's what she'll get come hell or high water!!

Give your mother the burial she requested. It's not your sister's funeral nor her place to change your mother's wishes.



The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the blood of patriots and tyrants - Thomas Jefferson


 
Mel Foye 
*VIP* Founding Member
Posts: 4661
Mel Foye
Reg: 09-29-00
03-19-19 04:37 AM - Post#2762452    
    In response to Smitty_Chevy

Sorry for your loss Smitty. Mel



 
rcr3 
"15th Year" Silver Supporting Member
Posts: 3082
rcr3
Age: 67
Loc: MANHEIM PA. U.S.A.
Reg: 11-24-02
03-19-19 04:48 AM - Post#2762453    
    In response to Smitty_Chevy

Sorry for your loss.

'12 Cruze RS LTZ
'73 Nova hatchback Sold 12/23/12
'37 Chevy cp.SOLD!!6/7/14
'74 Nova Custom cp.
'73 Nova pro-street project
'17 Chevy Trax LT
'00 S10 Ex cab
'06 Z71 Sierra Ex Cab
'67 Camaro survivor




 
TAT_2 
"18th Year" Silver Supporting Member, and Official CT Grim Reaper
Posts: 35656

Age: 65
Loc: "UNDER THE BOARDWALK"
Reg: 10-29-00
03-19-19 06:17 AM - Post#2762458    
    In response to Smitty_Chevy

SMITTY,SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS ALSO.

09 PONTIAC- VIBE
08 PONTIAC- G6
96 FURD F-150 SUPER CAB XLT 4X4
93 VETTE - 40TH ANIV RUBY RED LT1/6SPD/RAG TOP
NEXT ?


*****
PREVIOUS VETTE'S 58,68,70,76,78,85,90
*****


Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice


 
family4door 
Contributor
Posts: 120

Loc: North Iowa
Reg: 01-29-12
03-20-19 06:24 PM - Post#2762559    
    In response to TAT_2

Sorry for your loss.

"ALSO I neglected to say in my original post that my Mother made
and paid for these exact arrangements long ago when in good health."

To me this would be, though not legally binding, your mom's advance directive. Plus plenty of witnesses knowing what her final wishes were also. Your sister showing up only a few times in many years? Her opinion doesn't count as much.

Now, when it comes to the will (if any) and settling the estate, you may have to appease your sister more than you would like.




 
wagonman100 
Super Senior Member
Posts: 14170
wagonman100
Loc: Baltimore, MD
Reg: 11-27-04
03-20-19 07:16 PM - Post#2762561    
    In response to family4door

Since the offer to give your sister some ashes to bury was rejected, you need to honor your mother’s wishes and spread all of the ashes. That is what your mom wants and your sister should understand that. Her wanting to bury the ashes is just being selfish and inconsiderate of your mom. I’m not saying she is a bad person, just that she is letting her own wishes take precedence over your Mom’s wishes in an area that should be solely your moms department. Hopefully she will one day understand that you are not doing it to ignore her wishes or hurt her, but you are doing it out of love and respect for your mom. I pray you and your sister can be at peace with doing what your mom wants. In the end you have to do what you feel is right to be at peace with yourself.

Jay
Friends don’t let friends drive Fords.

1999 Silverado Z71 4X4 extra-cab short bed
1983 Malibu Fauxmad - tubbed
1978 El Camino Kustomized
1972 Monte Carlo
1957 210 handyman wagon
1957 Nomad sport wagon
1957 Cameo Carrier


 
TAT_2 
"18th Year" Silver Supporting Member, and Official CT Grim Reaper
Posts: 35656

Age: 65
Loc: "UNDER THE BOARDWALK"
Reg: 10-29-00
03-21-19 03:57 PM - Post#2762606    
    In response to TAT_2

IM POLISH SO IM NOT CHEAP/LOL,IM THRIFTY
I GOT A
"FREE"
WILL KIT : :
I JUST GOTA FILL THEM OUT & GET THEM NOTARIZED,ILL GIVE THE BRATS A COPY EACH . IM GONA CHARGE EM FOR THE COPY'S !!!

09 PONTIAC- VIBE
08 PONTIAC- G6
96 FURD F-150 SUPER CAB XLT 4X4
93 VETTE - 40TH ANIV RUBY RED LT1/6SPD/RAG TOP
NEXT ?


*****
PREVIOUS VETTE'S 58,68,70,76,78,85,90
*****


Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice


 
56sedandelivery 
Dedicated Member
Posts: 5577
56sedandelivery
Age: 67
Loc: Everett, Wa.
Reg: 02-26-08
03-21-19 07:35 PM - Post#2762628    
    In response to Chevrobert

  • Chevrobert Said:
Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

Yes, I think Sister IS feeling guilty.
She has visited my Mother twice in 40 years. 2016 + 2018.
Ironically, that is the ONLY pro she has going for her.
I do not wish to cause my sister pain.
I am only considering the question because it might assuage some of hers.
But at what cost?
As I continue to visit my Mother,
I would feel terrible keeping such a secret from her.

After reading your replies I see an almost unanimous majority favor keeping with my Mother's wishes.
And as for the compromise of letting my sister take a portion of the ashes.

I offered her that option. She rejected it,
prompting me to post the topic here.

ALSO I neglected to say in my original post that my Mother made
and paid for these exact arrangements long ago when in good health.

While I personally would not have chosen these options
I do not feel it is my right to change them,
even if it made ME feel better.


Hopefully there is plenty of time before I make a decision.

I welcome any further comments pro or con.
Thank you all again.
Bob



More information now. I think this changes everything. The best I can offer now, is to INCLUDE the sister in the actual "spreading of the ashes". It's what your Mother wanted, irregardless of what your sister, or even you, wants/thinks, should be done. She (sister) either participates, or not; her loss, not yours. "Honor thy Mother and Father", it's one of the Ten Commandments. I am Butch/56sedandelivery.





Edited by 56sedandelivery on 03-21-19 07:44 PM. Reason for edit: No reason given.

 




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