http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showforum.php?fid/87/Recent The Jokes Forum posts.enWed, 19 Jun 2013 15:55:02 GMTWed, 19 Jun 2013 15:55:02 GMThttp://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rssFusionBB 2.1 (www.fusionbb.com)012Sundayhttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298857/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298857/ realized that I don't really give a rat's a$$. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........????? ]]>Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:38:04 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298830/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298830/
1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim,

I remember Dad saying,"Well, that's the last f----n thing we need."

ron ]]>Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:56:09 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298828/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298828/
A Man Thing .....


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for
a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this
man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we wept together. When
I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years".



Apparently I'm still lost .... it's a man thing.


ron ]]>Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:53:01 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298827/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298827/
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

ron ]]>Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:51:47 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298715/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298715/

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.



]]>Fri, 14 Jun 2013 19:01:35 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298687/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298687/
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
_________________________ ]]>Thu, 13 Jun 2013 23:30:39 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298623/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298623/
Butch/56sedandelivery. ]]>Wed, 12 Jun 2013 04:34:05 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298611/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298611/ ]]>Tue, 11 Jun 2013 23:29:25 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298292/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298292/
Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.



The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt


NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.

REMEMBER: IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FULLA SCHITT













]]>Tue, 04 Jun 2013 01:17:44 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298038/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/298038/
DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED OUT THIS TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS....

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. .In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03. 'Get your kicks, __________________.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'

07. Nestlé’s makes the very best . .. . . _________ ______.'

08. Satchmo was America's Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________... '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____ ___________.

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash" its name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka-Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as its Logo/Representative. What was the boy’s Name? ________











ANSWERS :

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco
17. Howdy Doody Time
18. Shadow
19. Monster Mash
20. Speedy

]]>Wed, 29 May 2013 14:03:09 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297955/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297955/ It is car related.
BUT,
Am I a bad person to laugh ?



http://blog.sfgate.com/dailydish/2013/05/15/ kanye-... ]]>Mon, 27 May 2013 15:53:34 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297892/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297892/
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first-year medical students.



This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ashole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'



She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’
]]>Sun, 26 May 2013 00:10:21 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297590/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297590/
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled,

"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there." ]]>Sat, 18 May 2013 20:04:00 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297552/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297552/Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken..."

]]>Fri, 17 May 2013 18:22:28 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297506/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297506/ The next day he went to the thrift store...
and got all her clothes back.

Junior ]]>Thu, 16 May 2013 18:08:09 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297494/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297494/A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

]]>Thu, 16 May 2013 14:21:40 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297471/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297471/ The Engagement ring
The Wedding ring
The suffer ring ]]>Thu, 16 May 2013 00:58:26 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297470/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297470/
]]>Thu, 16 May 2013 00:56:11 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297453/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297453/A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, no matter what he asks you to do for him you should smile and say “of course, dear anything for you.”

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

She replied "You're going to die."


]]>Wed, 15 May 2013 19:09:42 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297424/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297424/

I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........


Coincidence??


Just wondering!


Alabama beat Arkansas


and they fired the coach.


Alabama beat Tennessee


and they fired the coach.


Alabama beat Auburn


and they fired the coach.


Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...


Damn, I wish the White House had a team. ]]>Wed, 15 May 2013 00:11:41 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297412/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297412/A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine,thank you", he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?", she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago", He replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs" he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interesy, she persisted, "Do you like **** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life!! When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME WAS KATZ?"





]]>Tue, 14 May 2013 20:57:48 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297411/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297411/
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on theway home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly censored he's running around with.'

]]>Tue, 14 May 2013 20:53:25 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297362/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297362/
His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!

What the f*** did you bring him around for?"

Cause he's thinking of getting married."
]]>Mon, 13 May 2013 23:05:54 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297280/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297280/
The sad definition of "OLD"

#1
Very quietly I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked, Excellent!...Are you having it catered?


#2
Just before the funeral services, the
undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
98 she replied: Two years older than me
So you're 96, the undertaker commented.
She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?


#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

#5
An elderly woman stated: I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

#7
Two things about getting old...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
And....oh yea, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
For fast relief.

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

]]>Sun, 12 May 2013 03:31:09 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297166/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297166/
Thibodeaux and Boudreaux entered a chocolate store. As they were looking
at the candy, Thibodeaux stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store
Thibodeaux said to Boudreaux, "I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate
bars and no one saw me put them in my pocket. You cant beat that.

Boudreaux replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the
shop and I'll show you real stealing." I'll steal while the shopkeeper
is watching me and he won't even know.

So they went to the counter and Boudreaux said to the shopkeeper: "Do you
want to see a great magic trick?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes" Boudreaux
said: "Give me three chocolate bars. " The shopkeeper gave him three
chocolate bars and Boudreaux ate all three. The shopkeeper asked: "But
where's the magic ?"
Boudreaux replied: "Look in Thibodeaux's pocket." ]]>Thu, 09 May 2013 09:56:35 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297145/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297145/
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him each day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.
]]>Thu, 09 May 2013 00:02:34 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297129/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297129/



This one sentence editorial appeared in the Peoria Journal Star . . . . .




"A pen in the hand of this president is far more dangerous than a gun in the hands of 200 million law-abiding citizens."




Then Clint Eastwood added his words . . . . .




"We Americans are so tired of being thought of as dumbazzes by the rest of the world that we went to the polls this past November and removed all doubt."




Clint Eastwood --
]]>Wed, 08 May 2013 18:58:07 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297106/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297106/ A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.


Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.


Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.


PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'

Oh, and did you know that in the Bible a women's period is mentioned.

Mary rode Joseph's azz all the way to Bethleham.
]]>Wed, 08 May 2013 02:00:37 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297105/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/297105/
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
]]>Wed, 08 May 2013 01:55:00 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296625/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296625/
She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'



Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.



So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
]]>Fri, 26 Apr 2013 02:51:03 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296588/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296588/
Of the total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president ever.I was just reading a Democratic publicity release that said, "...after a little more than 5 years, Obama has been rated the 5th best president ever."

The details according to White House Publicists. . . .
● Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first,
● 15 presidents tied for second,
● 17 other presidents tied for third,
● Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
● Obama came in fifth
]]>Thu, 25 Apr 2013 13:04:53 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296561/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296561/Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:34:53 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296308/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296308/ http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4 0360
]]>Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:17:20 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296288/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296288/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL4lSavSepc ]]>Thu, 18 Apr 2013 01:22:53 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296058/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/296058/



Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $95, plus sales tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bast**ds sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
]]>Fri, 12 Apr 2013 04:50:13 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295806/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295806/
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
]]>Sat, 06 Apr 2013 02:41:32 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295783/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295783/
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight." ]]>Fri, 05 Apr 2013 13:51:33 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295769/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295769/
In other news ... We all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, Consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists only of left wings and chicken chit.
Just keeping you up to date, as this is my civic duty.

]]>Fri, 05 Apr 2013 02:20:45 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295720/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295720/One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said, "aren't they just darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale."



]]>Wed, 03 Apr 2013 21:08:18 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295584/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295584/
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some censored that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing somefanatical son-of-a-censored.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! Put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
]]>Sun, 31 Mar 2013 21:49:05 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295583/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295583/
"Well, son, that's when the Americans work and we get all the benefits from it!"

"But Dad, aren't the American people unhappy about that?"

"Sure they are son, but that's called 'racism.'" ]]>Sun, 31 Mar 2013 21:42:55 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295582/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295582/
A: When she sent him to the video store for "Scent of a Women",
He brought back "A fish called Wanda"!! ]]>Sun, 31 Mar 2013 21:40:33 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295509/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295509/ ]]>Sat, 30 Mar 2013 01:10:21 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295468/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295468/
He promptly called the local sheriff's office. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Deputy Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Deputy Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment ... Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."



]]>Fri, 29 Mar 2013 14:11:26 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295222/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295222/
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points, or none at all.

One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang
indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
]]>Sun, 24 Mar 2013 13:33:08 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295134/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295134/
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia, that morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

Once again, ......... you're very welcome.
]]>Fri, 22 Mar 2013 13:34:59 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295131/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295131/

]]>Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:45:58 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295119/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295119/

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault..... I should have taken them off. ]]>Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:04:34 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295065/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/295065/

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
_____

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
_____

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
____

Then my doctor told me not to lift anything over five pounds.

I asked him, "So; how am I supposed to pee?"
_____

He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came fromthe other eye.

The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady said, "What in the world is wrong with you?"

Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches." ]]>Wed, 20 Mar 2013 17:08:25 GMThttp://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/294970/http://www.chevytalk.org/fusionbb/showtopic.php?tid/294970/
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher

“Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

]]>Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:20:27 GMT